Wednesday, March 23, 2005
afraid...
i'm feeling awful right now... real awful....
i just wanted to start my JC life right. yet my 1st day dun seemed so right.
people there haf their clicks, my OG only haf a few newbies who dunno almost everything?
we talked a little yet nothing more in depth, nothing more interesting.
the moment i walked into the threatre hall, sat down, i tot...
how r the others doing? ( puty, jo, chun, fred, vann, pl, zh blah blah )
r they the same as me??
i felt lonely.. having no one around me, having only strangers upon strangers..
have u ever felt that? sitting in a room, full of pple, yet none gives u a sense of security?
i admit, i was afraid! afraid....
i tot its wasn't that bad cos i had joyce. but too bad, i might not be seeing her only at breaks, or after school? pathetic? my only someone i can tok to... AWFUL!
i wonder hu can understand?
take my word for it. having 1 good fren with u is better than none.. Like me? pathetic.
i consoled myself things r going to be better...
but freak.. the fact is i'm feeling lk hell right now??
no one to trust.. no one to laugh with... no one to share...
i say again.. i'm getting afraid.
eileen, someone that u think might be able to get frens easily?
u're wrong, i struggled to take intiative, i struggled to open my mouth n speak!
tok! sounds so easy yet hard when u're facing a bunch of strangers of ALL kinds.
i was afraid!!
finally, the day of shut up end.
i met joyce and received messages " so how's school? " many times...
i typed the same messages for thousands of times, i got a little irritated though..
so sorry if i din reply u... its just din went well, weird.. guess tats wad i replied to most of u...
JC a place where i've always been rather negative about. i'm landed right at it!
later online.
met jo. tok a little and it din feel good.. was it me? i think so.
guess i was having a little attitude prob! i dun dare to blame jo, cos i noe i felt awful.
sorry jo! it was just a moment of LOUSY me!
i dun neeed go TAF lah, not joining steffie at OG or floorball as well. haha....
happy that TPJC has all the yan daos n chio bus. unlike MJC!! none!
met yj, conversation started ok. den mw came.
well... there goes the tok..
i'm sorry if i was rude.. i noe..
but i just wanna say. i dun have any JC frens in MJC.
i dun even feel good in MJC for this moment..
wad can i say? i felt bad saying things that sounds so bad.
but i'm still EILEEN, the fatty that u guys always say.
i have not changed! i just felt pressured!!
i can't even enjoy myself, yet y must i being said tat i'm forsaking my beloved frens for those bunch of strangers?
it hurt me. do u noe how bad i felt therE? how forsaken n left out i felt?
i dun even feel a sense of belonging. how to have frens?
i really dun watch ghost show. i'm really tired. i'm really going out with my mum!!
everything i said was true! i dun lie.
i'm still ME!
MJC is not gonna change me!
i dunno wad u will think or say. i dun bother le.....
its just a moment of dissapointment when i received those words from u 2. it hurts though.
do u understand? i doubt so.
its ok!! 2 yearS? all i can do is to pray for better? pray that everything will go well once again.. n pray that i'm still ME in your eyes?
i hope i can do it!
van, zh, puty, jo, chun, fred, puay ling, thad, ming wei, wei jie, guan hui n yan jiang.
i hope u guys can do it as well! n noe that u can! no matter wad, no matter when, just find me when u need someone. i dun want u guys to feel wad i felt just right today..
an unexpressible emptiness...
words that are true from fatty
6:30 AM
